Week One: Why am I doing this?
Writing for work is not enjoyable anymore. I love it on a lower level of happiness that I’m just writing, but it doesn’t give me the freedom it used to. New changes means my writing is critiqued more than ever, and my ego can handle that. But I’m also just tired of feeling like I don’t have a thing.
People have things. I am so envious of them. Those that are amazing at music, those that can sing, those who can paint amazing portraits of strangers on the street.
I’m envious of those who help people. I want to have one of those inspirational instagrams that post things that just make people feel real fucking good. I’m envious of those who are so comfortable with their selves, those who can take cute selfies and post their days on social media.
Those who can connect easily with other people.
For me connection can be hard. And I know it’s a trauma response. Connection means pain and I’m trying to unlearn that.
I’ve done really well this year in setting and working towards goals. I’ve established a ‘most days’ meditation practice. I’ve been eating better. I’ve been exercising more. I’ve been learning boundaries, setting boundaries, understanding priorities and how to establish a hierarchy of them.
I’ve done a lot this year and I do need to rest and recognise how far I’ve come.
Especially considering that this day two years ago, I was on Day 2 of living in a refuge with my two small children after leaving a home filled with violence. I have come so far and I need to reflect on where I started.
But for now, I just want to be good at something again. Feel good at something again.
I want a thing. I want a few things.
I want to be creative again.
I want to be vibrant and out there and connected and helpful and supportive of both myself and those around me.
I want to find myself and I want to share that self with people.
So I’m doing 100 weeks of writing.
I recently read ‘Focus’ by Pedram Shojai, and he spoke about doing gongs. 100 days of a thing. Yoga, meditation, working out, whatever.
And I have been doing my own gongs. It’s been working. So I thought I’d apply it here too, with my writing. Except 100 days of writing is TOO MUCH for me and I don’t want to take on more than I can handle. But I am also tired of being stagnant.
100 weeks of writing. Nearly two years. 100 pieces of writing.
Here is where I’m starting.
I can’t wait to see where I end up.